Rituals

At the ripe age of 17, my last year in high school, I had trouble sleeping. I would lay in bed in the loft of my moms condo and envision dust collecting on my dresser. I would pop out of bed, grab a cloth, wipe it down, notice my shoes were out of order, straighten up, lay back down, and do it all over again. ......and I thought it was normal!!
Fast forward 10 years, married with three kids, I thought I had everything under control. I couldn't stand my husband though. Didn't he realize I spent every day cleaning up after all of the kids. I was constant. I would pick up, vacuum, windex was my best friend, dust, clean sheets, organize a closet, then do it again. I was a hamster, running and running, getting nowhere, feeling tired, unappreciated. Resentment started sneaking up on my marriage the way carbon monoxide sneaks into a home, claiming lives.

Rewind one year from the present and I found myself sitting across from a therapist in an outdated room, a quilt hanging on the wall as decor. One session, one hour, years of my past come slamming into me, wiping me out like an ocean wave wipes you out as its force pushes your feet out from under you. I have anxiety and a mild case of OCD! Are you effing kidding me? All these years and I don't have to live like this anymore. I cried in semi disbelief and relief. I could change, things could be different. My husband wasn't an asshole for leaving his coffee cup in the sink, he wasn't out to ruin my life by suggesting we clean up "later." I drove home, adrenaline and excitement pumping through me. I called my sister to tell her my news. It was received with a moment of silence, and then a knowing, "ummmm yeah!". She already knew. Turned out, everyone knew, everyone but me.

Needless to say, things are much better now. Most importantly, I have time to enjoy my kids because the laundry is no longer an emergency. I can leave the house and go to the park even if there are a few toys on the floor. Everything still gets done but there isn't that sense of urgency that turned me into a crazy bitch. People enjoy being around me. I'm no longer unbearable. I don't have to Lindt roll my pillow every night before going to bed..... Once a week is just fine! I let the kids skip a bath every now and then and if they drip something on their shirt, I'll still let them wear it to the park to play in the sand.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm medicated!!! I still see the therapist too. I feel strongly that medication alone will only do so much. The hard part is digging deep down to figure out why I'm damaged and coming up with ways to fix it.

It's 7:40 am and I'm still sitting on the couch watching cartoons with the kids, my house is in disarray and there are sheets in the wash that were peed on last night, I'm in no rush and it feels good......really good.