We've all done something

It could be sheer luck my children are in one piece

A friend called the other day because her seven month old fell out of the pack and play because she was still using it as a bassinet. Stupid new mon, you may think, but think again. How many times have you done something, not thinking too much into it.

I have three great stories, one for each kid and I'd love to tell them in vivid detail and set the stage for each event but considering I'm on the toilet and I parked the kids in front of the tv with a bin of beads and pipe cleaners, my time is limited..... So here is the short version.

Connor- six months old, at the park feeding the animals, didn't put the brakes on the stroller and turned to feed the llama, he went flying down a hill, hit a tree, and tipped over. He will never remember, I will never forget. Explains his fear of kiddie roller coasters though.

Olivia- four months old, a lot of work, days without a shower. I finally make the call to let her scream forever so I could take a real shower, shave legs and the works. I put her in the swing but didn't buckle her. 20 min later, I'm in my towel, go to check on her, can't believe she didn't pass out from screaming, and she her on her belly, lower body hanging out of the swing, little hands holding on for dear life as she swings back and forth back and forth!!!!

Owen, 2 months old (let me remind you that at the time Olivia was 16 months and Connor not three yet). I was packing everyone up to head to the cape to visit a friend for the day. I put two kids in the car, back inside, hog the diaper bag, cooler, blankets for the ride, get Owen, go back in, get coffee, gps, the whole nine yard!!! Finally!!! I'm ready!!! Start pulling out of my driveway and sitting there in the driveway is owen, all buckled in his car seat, ready to go......I never put him in the van!!!

So we all do it

At least that's what I tell myself!

Rituals

At the ripe age of 17, my last year in high school, I had trouble sleeping. I would lay in bed in the loft of my moms condo and envision dust collecting on my dresser. I would pop out of bed, grab a cloth, wipe it down, notice my shoes were out of order, straighten up, lay back down, and do it all over again. ......and I thought it was normal!!
Fast forward 10 years, married with three kids, I thought I had everything under control. I couldn't stand my husband though. Didn't he realize I spent every day cleaning up after all of the kids. I was constant. I would pick up, vacuum, windex was my best friend, dust, clean sheets, organize a closet, then do it again. I was a hamster, running and running, getting nowhere, feeling tired, unappreciated. Resentment started sneaking up on my marriage the way carbon monoxide sneaks into a home, claiming lives.

Rewind one year from the present and I found myself sitting across from a therapist in an outdated room, a quilt hanging on the wall as decor. One session, one hour, years of my past come slamming into me, wiping me out like an ocean wave wipes you out as its force pushes your feet out from under you. I have anxiety and a mild case of OCD! Are you effing kidding me? All these years and I don't have to live like this anymore. I cried in semi disbelief and relief. I could change, things could be different. My husband wasn't an asshole for leaving his coffee cup in the sink, he wasn't out to ruin my life by suggesting we clean up "later." I drove home, adrenaline and excitement pumping through me. I called my sister to tell her my news. It was received with a moment of silence, and then a knowing, "ummmm yeah!". She already knew. Turned out, everyone knew, everyone but me.

Needless to say, things are much better now. Most importantly, I have time to enjoy my kids because the laundry is no longer an emergency. I can leave the house and go to the park even if there are a few toys on the floor. Everything still gets done but there isn't that sense of urgency that turned me into a crazy bitch. People enjoy being around me. I'm no longer unbearable. I don't have to Lindt roll my pillow every night before going to bed..... Once a week is just fine! I let the kids skip a bath every now and then and if they drip something on their shirt, I'll still let them wear it to the park to play in the sand.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm medicated!!! I still see the therapist too. I feel strongly that medication alone will only do so much. The hard part is digging deep down to figure out why I'm damaged and coming up with ways to fix it.

It's 7:40 am and I'm still sitting on the couch watching cartoons with the kids, my house is in disarray and there are sheets in the wash that were peed on last night, I'm in no rush and it feels good......really good.

Yes, I am judging you!

I like to think of myself as someone who is nonjudgmental. I am accepting. I do not care if you are a man and you like men, what religion you, or what you do for a job. Who am I to judge.....if you didn't further your education or get married before getting pregnant, it doesn't bother me! Maybe you made different choices than I did and maybe I don't agree with you, but I am not judging you.
BUT
When your smoking a cigarette in the car and your kids are are in the backseat, when your kid sucker punches my kid and you do not discipline him, when you can't put your goddamn phone down to watch your child, if you feed your kids shit because your lazy, let them watch tv all day, let them run around restaurants, when your kids underwear is three sizes too small and there's not a good reason, when you discriminate, belittle, of talk down to someone........well then.......I AM judging you. And I have every right to!

Has anyone lost an eye?

You know when your at a play date, the playground, or the Y and there are some helicopter moms who follow their kid around telling them to be careful, share, don't swing that, slow down......I have an idea. A suggestion really. What if we just sat back and let the kids figure it out. I think it would be beneficial to reprimand our kids AFTER someone actually loses an eye. Think of all the energy we would save. After all, how many kids have you seen running around with one eye???? Plus, imagine the lesson that would be learned when you pick that one eyeball up off the floor and hold it out to little Bobby and say, "see, this is what happens when you jump off of the couch onto your sister......someone loses an eye! So, until this actually happens, can you all please just take a deep breath and let kids be kids.

Mommy-long-butt

For those of you who don't know what mommy-long-butt is, it's what happens to women when they get pregnant and get fatter and fatter. Their ass gets longer and flatter. By the time you deliver, the top of your ass is between your shoulder blades and the bottom of it is behind your knees. This can be very devastating for some of us who started out with nicely round bums, especially if it happened to be your only asset!
After giving birth to my first child and wearing maternity clothes for three months, I ignorantly accepted my fate and went to purchase my first pair of mom jeans. ....after all, I was a MOM and I wanted to look the part. I found me a comfy pair of cheep shoes and some disposable shirts from old navy
Three kids and five body shapes later, let me tell all you new moms out there that you should not settle and sadly accept mommy-long-butt syndrome. we need to aspire to more than that. I was doing well for a while. However, at the moment, I have ten lbs to get rid of. Let's just say my muffin top has been built with a pastry shop. I will get back on track.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to achieve MILF status. I love my new body decked out with stretch marks that resemble the lines in the sand at the beach when the tide starts to go out. I know I may never get back into a bikini because the skin on my stomach has been horribly stretched out then deflated, it sags like the face of a bull dog. But to my kids, it's soft and warm and for my husbands, well he still seems to find me sexy and for those two reasons, I love my body and I want to take care of it. This body has done amazing things and it deserves more than mommy-long-butt jeans!

Success

Some days my success should be determined simply by weather or not the kids are still alive at the end of the day

Sleep

When I wake up to pee at 2:30am and realize that everyone is still in their own beds and no one has woken up yet
I panic, and wonder if they have suffered carbon monoxide poisoning!