What's one more?

I've never been so undecided in my life. Do I want a fourth kid or not? Why can't it be as easy as 1, 2, and 3 were? I didn't even think about it. There was no planning or discussion, no talk about money or how we would manage. I looked at my husband and said, "I wouldn't mind another one," and he willingly took me to bed. DONE. Each time we added to our family I thought, how much harder can it be! And I was right. I was already running around like crazy, changing, feeding, cleaning, carrying, lugging, tugging, wiping, crying, screaming.....and yes, laughing. What was one more.

Now my kids are "old." At the ripe ages of 2, 3, and 4, my life is easy in comparison to the description above. I'm still running around but there is more laughing, playing, and sharing. Family vacation is fun and dare I say relaxing! I can shower most days, poop alone, sleep all night (maybe with a small foot in my face or in a small bed while little hands touch my face) but I sleep! I can say, go play out side, get your shoes on, go to the van, clear the table. It is 6:30am and two of my kids are watching tv on my bed and one is still sleeping. Im drinking coffee while I hash this out.

Then there is all of the other stuff. I LOVE being pregnant. Holding a baby is one of the best feelings ever. As hard as it can be, it's over in a blink of an eye. Watching my kids love each other is the most rewarding thing ever. I really believe that giving them another sibling is the greatest gift I can give them. I'm providing them with life long friends, teaching them to share, compromise, work as a team, negotiate.....

I can't say I want to nurse in the middle of the night, spoon feed, burp, carry, and do all of that baby stuff. I hate child proofing, learning to crawl, learning to walk, needing a stroller

But I can say I love my kids so effing much it's crazy. I love being a stay at home mom and spending my days with them, watching them grow and learn. They are the heart of this family. They give my life a purpose and fulfillment. My husband and I create such awesome little people!

What turns me on

With fifty shades of grey making its way around, women everywhere are expecting a little more.....foreplay that is.

And let me tell you, my husband delivers!!!

After a night out with one of my very best friends, a glass of sangria, and some yummy food I came home to a pleasant surprise.

Behind the newly upholstered orange chair, something erect caught my eye. ...my husband was in the hall way awaiting my reaction. I removed the green fleece blanket to reveal the Electrolux Ergo Rapido. A stick vacuum wielding 12 volts of sucking power.

With the lights off in our house I turned it on and she illuminated the way, guiding me to each crumb and spec of dirt. I was filled with excitement at the sound of her battery coming to life on my wood floors.

I cleared my busy calendar for tomorrow, which means the windex is going to get a break while the new vacuum and I get to know each other.

How are you going to do it??

That one stupid question. I was asked it by friends, family, and strangers. With my two year old holding my hand, a 12 month old on what was left of my hips, and an 8 month old fetus growing inside of me, I smiled, laughed even.....one day at a time of course.

Then I'd lay in bed at night, propped up onseveral pillows while my husband snored soundly beside me. My oldest was still in diapers. I was still spoon feeding my second child, and I was about to undergo major surgery to deliver child number three. The real question was......
How the FUCK was I going to do this????
Well I'm alive today and so are my three children!! My youngest turns two this month. They are now 2,3,and 4!! I thought there might be a few moms out there who want to know how I do it and I'm ready to share my secret.
I do it with the help and support of many people
My husband- I've learned to say things like- I need a brake. I'm going to the store alone. Can you please give the kids a bath. I will drive, you can climb in the back for the next hour. I'm going out with the girls next week. I'm going away for a night....to my moms house three miles down the street.

.....with the help of my mom. She saves the kids when I'm close to hurting them

......with the help of my friends. Who listen to me bitch at 7am

.....with the help of the target employees who watch over my kids so I can leave them strapped in the cart and go pee

I do it by accepting help when it's offered

I do it by sometimes saying no, I'm sorry, I can't go to that party, make that cake, host thanksgiving dinner.

I do it with the help of my therapist

The aid of my meds

I do it by not doing the laundry, putting of the dusting, letting the toys stay mixed up.

I think I said it right the first time, two years ago.....I do it one day at a time.

We've all done something

It could be sheer luck my children are in one piece

A friend called the other day because her seven month old fell out of the pack and play because she was still using it as a bassinet. Stupid new mon, you may think, but think again. How many times have you done something, not thinking too much into it.

I have three great stories, one for each kid and I'd love to tell them in vivid detail and set the stage for each event but considering I'm on the toilet and I parked the kids in front of the tv with a bin of beads and pipe cleaners, my time is limited..... So here is the short version.

Connor- six months old, at the park feeding the animals, didn't put the brakes on the stroller and turned to feed the llama, he went flying down a hill, hit a tree, and tipped over. He will never remember, I will never forget. Explains his fear of kiddie roller coasters though.

Olivia- four months old, a lot of work, days without a shower. I finally make the call to let her scream forever so I could take a real shower, shave legs and the works. I put her in the swing but didn't buckle her. 20 min later, I'm in my towel, go to check on her, can't believe she didn't pass out from screaming, and she her on her belly, lower body hanging out of the swing, little hands holding on for dear life as she swings back and forth back and forth!!!!

Owen, 2 months old (let me remind you that at the time Olivia was 16 months and Connor not three yet). I was packing everyone up to head to the cape to visit a friend for the day. I put two kids in the car, back inside, hog the diaper bag, cooler, blankets for the ride, get Owen, go back in, get coffee, gps, the whole nine yard!!! Finally!!! I'm ready!!! Start pulling out of my driveway and sitting there in the driveway is owen, all buckled in his car seat, ready to go......I never put him in the van!!!

So we all do it

At least that's what I tell myself!

Rituals

At the ripe age of 17, my last year in high school, I had trouble sleeping. I would lay in bed in the loft of my moms condo and envision dust collecting on my dresser. I would pop out of bed, grab a cloth, wipe it down, notice my shoes were out of order, straighten up, lay back down, and do it all over again. ......and I thought it was normal!!
Fast forward 10 years, married with three kids, I thought I had everything under control. I couldn't stand my husband though. Didn't he realize I spent every day cleaning up after all of the kids. I was constant. I would pick up, vacuum, windex was my best friend, dust, clean sheets, organize a closet, then do it again. I was a hamster, running and running, getting nowhere, feeling tired, unappreciated. Resentment started sneaking up on my marriage the way carbon monoxide sneaks into a home, claiming lives.

Rewind one year from the present and I found myself sitting across from a therapist in an outdated room, a quilt hanging on the wall as decor. One session, one hour, years of my past come slamming into me, wiping me out like an ocean wave wipes you out as its force pushes your feet out from under you. I have anxiety and a mild case of OCD! Are you effing kidding me? All these years and I don't have to live like this anymore. I cried in semi disbelief and relief. I could change, things could be different. My husband wasn't an asshole for leaving his coffee cup in the sink, he wasn't out to ruin my life by suggesting we clean up "later." I drove home, adrenaline and excitement pumping through me. I called my sister to tell her my news. It was received with a moment of silence, and then a knowing, "ummmm yeah!". She already knew. Turned out, everyone knew, everyone but me.

Needless to say, things are much better now. Most importantly, I have time to enjoy my kids because the laundry is no longer an emergency. I can leave the house and go to the park even if there are a few toys on the floor. Everything still gets done but there isn't that sense of urgency that turned me into a crazy bitch. People enjoy being around me. I'm no longer unbearable. I don't have to Lindt roll my pillow every night before going to bed..... Once a week is just fine! I let the kids skip a bath every now and then and if they drip something on their shirt, I'll still let them wear it to the park to play in the sand.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm medicated!!! I still see the therapist too. I feel strongly that medication alone will only do so much. The hard part is digging deep down to figure out why I'm damaged and coming up with ways to fix it.

It's 7:40 am and I'm still sitting on the couch watching cartoons with the kids, my house is in disarray and there are sheets in the wash that were peed on last night, I'm in no rush and it feels good......really good.

Yes, I am judging you!

I like to think of myself as someone who is nonjudgmental. I am accepting. I do not care if you are a man and you like men, what religion you, or what you do for a job. Who am I to judge.....if you didn't further your education or get married before getting pregnant, it doesn't bother me! Maybe you made different choices than I did and maybe I don't agree with you, but I am not judging you.
BUT
When your smoking a cigarette in the car and your kids are are in the backseat, when your kid sucker punches my kid and you do not discipline him, when you can't put your goddamn phone down to watch your child, if you feed your kids shit because your lazy, let them watch tv all day, let them run around restaurants, when your kids underwear is three sizes too small and there's not a good reason, when you discriminate, belittle, of talk down to someone........well then.......I AM judging you. And I have every right to!

Has anyone lost an eye?

You know when your at a play date, the playground, or the Y and there are some helicopter moms who follow their kid around telling them to be careful, share, don't swing that, slow down......I have an idea. A suggestion really. What if we just sat back and let the kids figure it out. I think it would be beneficial to reprimand our kids AFTER someone actually loses an eye. Think of all the energy we would save. After all, how many kids have you seen running around with one eye???? Plus, imagine the lesson that would be learned when you pick that one eyeball up off the floor and hold it out to little Bobby and say, "see, this is what happens when you jump off of the couch onto your sister......someone loses an eye! So, until this actually happens, can you all please just take a deep breath and let kids be kids.